*trigger warning*

*language, sex, child abuse, pedophilia, rape, abortion, drugs and alcohol

I’m wanting to share my story with those who want to know, and those who should know the truth.

This started as a paragraph but there’s so much left unsaid.

If it makes you feel better to think what you do, go ahead. I’m don’t care what people want to think. I need to tell you how I think and feel. I want you to know me from my perspective. I’m sorry for anything feeling like an attack in order to express my feelings. I haven’t felt the right to speak for 54 years so there’s a lot. That’s all part of the gaslighting. You were there, I know you were a child and a victim as well. It’s hard to be gentle. Nobody in the family’s been nice to me without a motive and split persona. I never had a younger sibling, so I can’t say I’d been a better sister. I hope you get something useful from this. I know I’m not perfect and everything isn’t exactly as I remember but I’m not far off. I know who I was and who I am now. You can say all memories are false, (except your memories concerning me of course) Tell your husband none of that happened to him when he was a child because all his memories are false and see how that goes. I do have a good memory and it’s not a good thing. Hyperthymesia maybe. I don’t remember every day and hour but I have triggers every day. Not all bad memories. Vivid recall of TV, candies, clothing, music, sounds, names, smells, events and faces. It brings me back to the time, into that room and space, just a clip. Like it was yesterday. We all have different perceptions of events through our own eyes. It doesn’t mean all memories are false. Especially obvious situations like government documents and dna. You don’t really remember holding your baby for the first time, saying I do, feeling that kidney stone? We remember. You can recall some of my memories I’m sure.

Your complimenting TB with saying he’s only into babies is a trigger for me. Only? Like he’s a fine man besides that. It’s traumatic invalidation. He was into women and everything in between. That is the lowest you can go, with a baby. He was a child sexual predator. You saying that invalidates what really happened and has you defending him. Why would you do that? 14 and 17 year old fucked up girls isn’t an attraction to a normal middle aged man. Hasn’t MK been beyond 14 and 17 year old dysfunctional boys for a while now? She’s not as old as he was yet. It’s the same thing, it’s not fathomable. No teenaged boys mother wants him to bring her home, not judging her but a boys mother will, with her 3 babies. TB had children with 3 women already, that you knew of. TB would’ve fucked with any teenaged girl, any girl at any age if they were damaged and he had the chance. He didn’t have morals or preference. It’s not some golden rule they only like babies and not older children, obviously. If your married to your cousin, assaulting your baby, and go out and find a couple teenagers to fuck up, your a normal man? We were very screwed up children. There was nothing normal about us or him. He hung out with children and his family full of incest. He’s a pedophile and a child molester, you can’t persuade a normal person to think he’s not.

I shouldn’t have to tell you that you were a victim. It’s obvious. Your problem is bigger than that. I have been your victim all my life. You’ve been cruel and unusual. You were never my victim. Normal girls don’t want to marry and have children with an old man with a pedophile past that assaulted her sister. Who had his child. All while you divulge in a heavy hard drug habit, along with excess alcohol and other drug use, until you left him. Maybe drugs were more important than anyone. Maybe your brain didn’t develop properly with all the toxins. You were on a codeine ritual every night on the coke as well to sleep. There’s a reason you started and carry on your hate for me. It was way before TB and the cocaine.

I don’t believe you saw him and thought he was the man of your dreams. He chose you. Any good respectable mature man wouldn’t have thought it appropriate. He saw daddy issues written all over you. You wanted someone to take care of you. You said you had no choice but to stay, you didn’t want a job and to be normal? Oh ya right you tried working. With GB’s buddy, the photographer. He sexually assaulted you in the dark room immediately. How many assaults did you keep quiet for those men? Did your man ever defend you? No, he was offering you. Exposing you to his dad chasing you to touch your titties while you laid nude sunbathing in his back yard? Wtf? Who gets their teen girlfriend to tan nude with their perverted demented dad? A sick old man does. He would’ve shared with everyone if you didn’t fight back. It wasn’t meant to last. TB told you that you should work and find independence before you settle down. He told his children and us the same, because we were children. He wasn’t really holding you there and planning an immediate future. I don’t know what his plan for you really was. He had a way to make you feel like your the biggest loser if your not there with him, he insulted everyone as he shut the door behind them, after treating them like royalty. No sign of liking that person in the least. Everyone. He hated everyone and scummed out everybody. So fucking strange. The biggest scum bag, he knew everyone was shaking their head leaving the apartment wondering wtf we were still doing there.

He knew I was prime grooming material. You told him how fucked up I was, what I was going through at home. You told him I liked to fuck. He planned to come rescue me with you, you let him and I meet and talk on the phone. I was 14, he wanted to save me, when you got down from DC to stay. He had plans for me already, waiting for 15 to come. (The law needs to be changed. Pedos must have created this law in Canada. Maybe a well educated and a healthy upraising could prepare you for a sexual relationship with an older adult at 14 or 17? Doesn’t that sound sick too? That wasn’t me. I wasn’t prepared for that because I was neglected and abused.) He was grooming me already. BR came back from DC and told me TB wanted to pimp her and you out. I believe her. He lived with hookers on the street, he knew the program. Pimping teenaged girls in a logging camp sounds like his style to me. It wasn’t DI, he wasn’t smart enough. Dad and you know it was TB and you changed the story to DI to protect TB. TB would’ve undressed and assaulted any girl you brought over had he had the chance. You helped TB earn my trust and then you both convinced me that being naked with the both of you was safe. I didn’t make you both take off your clothes. If I would’ve been acting slutty, hitting on your boys/men, you would’ve stopped it in a rage. I didn’t. It was innocent if I acted otherwise, i was a child. You wouldn’t have thought it was ok if I was slutty, you trusted and knew I had no bad intentions. I know CS let me know my boundaries were off when I swore too much. I was learning still. Where did I learn better? I didn’t want your guys and I was scared shitless of you. Do you think I was so ugly it had to be my fault? If they had wonderful you, they didn’t look elsewhere? Nobody cheated on you before, during or after? It’s always the girls fault, men don’t have control? What is it?? Men are suppose to control themselves around children. I wasn’t wanting him, I wasn’t a woman, I was a child. I didn’t consent to sex with him ever. I didn’t have control of him. He had you help groom me. He told me you were aware and agreed to what he does, you appeared to. (Probably told MK that as well) I was never attracted to him, never wanted sexual attention from him. He was so old, ugly and stank. The thought makes me feel ill to this day. We’re not attracted to the same kind or looks of men. Your preference swayed from black to white. I’ve never wanted any of yours. I don’t like leftovers or sharing. I never wanted to hurt you. I’ve never needed your help to attract guys.

You know dad did things to me but you have went back and forth with that. You couldn’t believe me when you, TB and dad are besties. Something happened to you too probably. Him bragging about not being able to bath with you because you kept touching him. I was there too, a baby. If I touched it you probably took it from me. Not being sick, that’s just how kids are. He’s sick and thought we wanted him. Who knows what he let us do. Mom probably caught him and told him to stop. He blamed you and made light of it talking about it over the years, all happy. Thank god my bath time with daddy ended at the same time as you! Or did it and I blocked it. I think I only had bath after that if you let me bathe with you. Also I remember the bath IG gave us. So weird being treated that nice, it was uncomfortable. Poor you and poor mom, that was completely avoidable and never should have been a topic. He made everything sexual and disgusting. So much easier to play with a toddler when you hang out in the nude ALL day.

I didn’t like sex with boyfriends. I only did it because of pressure, to be liked, and I was desperate for any attention. I was raised to think that was attention. If I said I liked it I was trying to look cool. I didn’t have another sexual encounter for 2 years after the first. I didn’t have to have a boyfriend, I didn’t want to have sex. I wasn’t into it later either. I was treated bad. You seemed to start and never stopped. Not that I know details, you just didn’t stay single. The first time for me was while I was with with your friend RA at her boyfriends, JM’s house. Creepy that they were friends of the B’s. The train interest I think. At the time I was best friends with LB and RB smoking but playing with dolls still, they had a nursery in a barn. With DR, grade 6, we skipped out on every 3rd Monday because the house was empty. RA was bad! So phony later, eerily strange. You and her wanted me to have sex, she told me it was good, orals better, talked all and only about sex in our little journal we shared. She was telling me about all her sexual experiences in detail. She was busy, probably bs. Most of my stuff I wrote was bs, or super lame. Might have got some stuff from your forum magazine. Dad got that book, she was Chong and I was Cheech so he didn’t know who was who. It’s all a bad memory, I wasn’t ready for that, he wasn’t nice. I felt assaulted, I got nothing from it but pain. I don’t know why I did it again. If I could do it over I’d waited until I was 30. I had 2 short relationships with abusive boys after. One decent one in between. You and DI spent the night at his house when we didn’t go home. It was the only time him and I were sexual. I could count on my fingers how many times I had intercourse before I got pregnant. I didn’t bring boys in my bedroom window or sneak into theirs. I never got old enough to want it.

I wanted safety and love but never got that. You always thought I was mature and doing what I liked, knew what I was doing. I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or liking all of it. Ive always appeared to be calm but it’s because I don’t have a clue how to express emotions. They’ve never been well received, so I shut down. I think the 4 people I had to grow up with laughed at me, criticized me, and smacked the shit out of me, I lost the ability to be comfortable to express myself. You were all selfish egotistical assholes and I was your punching bag. I didn’t have a chance. Acting like nothing phases me is my only form of defense besides running. That’s how I exist. Ive let everyone walk all over me still. I have no reactions and it builds up inside to literally feeling like running. Im not allowed to confront anyone, never question you, I had to look at you to see if I can speak, you taught me that. While others freely spew lies I can’t even tell the truth. Triangulation.

TB gave me all the alcohol and drugs I could handle, kinda like bill cosby, I woke up to the assault. I slept hard without being passed out from sun, booze and drugs. You know better than me, I didn’t remember our middle of my sleep visits. You never shut up, I learnt to block you even in my sleep lol. You sang when you had nothing to say. Have you met that kid? Entertaining but you can tell they’re not listening or caring about anything but what’s in their head. Who gives that much alcohol and drugs to a child? I never had all I can before. Didn’t know my limit. You slept through it beside us. In the bed you 2 invited me into. I thought it was safe, you did too right?

What you want to think happened is because TB told you so. You saw what happened, I thought. You knew it was fucked up but he was way more convincing than the truth. That’s how mature you weren’t, your mind was easily manipulated. You didn’t have a healthy relationship in your life to know any different. You were suppose to have just graduated grade 12 that summer. His IQ was probably higher than both of ours added together. That makes a bad person dangerous, it’s not a compliment. He used it to hurt children and con your dad into worshiping him above the universe. I’m surprised dad hasn’t shot himself, I would’ve a long time ago.

The choice you made the day I told you and you went into the bedroom to talk with TB….just after you washed your crotch and told me we were getting out of there. I have to live with that and seeing you sitting on top of him. You’ve never turned back. You wanted the world to think your the victim and I’m a monster who did this to you. You still insinuate that I was so smart and I was responsible for all my actions. Your responsible for your actions, you had the information. It’s disturbing your still trying to convince me that I’m to blame. I know I’m not. If one of us is to blame it would be you. For bringing the devil into our lives. You knew better that day and made a choice. That’s the day in April 1983, you turned 19, an adult and showed your horns, you chose the devil. Whatever he said was to protect himself. If we had walked out, what would’ve he done? Nothing. What would have we done? Probably ruin him. You walked away with that scum and made a life with him. That choice has impacted everyone’s life in ways your not capable of seeing or understanding. You don’t want to if you could. You hold no accountability, your not capable, you can’t wrap your head around how wrong that was? Your so selfish and betray me with no conscience. You stand behind your 19 year old fucked up choice till this day. You left him when you were done and grew up. Not for his sexual interest in children or because it was wrong.

He wouldn’t have threatened me when you two left the apartment if he wasn’t scared. He had you on his side to back him and with dad and DI at his side to back him up in court. I felt defeated and terrified. I wasn’t ever responsible, there was no gain for me. A baby at 16 is not a gain for anyone. Later you made me say I was responsible in the car that day, on McSween Rd, you were dropping me off but pulled over short. You scared me into submission, you were nuts. You said little boys get abused and little girls ask for it. You said I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant unless I orgasmed and enjoyed it. I will never deserve to be loved. You said dad got papers from court saying he was innocent and charges were dropped. He called me a whore and said I was fucking everyone else so he may as well too, in court. He didn’t act innocent. They never really needed my testimony to know who he was. How fucked up was all that, and I had no idea how to deal with it. I wasn’t this cold hearted nympho out to fuck you, i didn’t know how to protect myself from people like TB or you. He had no morals or boundaries. You had no concern for my health and safety. That’s not learned from TB, you had that all along. Your cold heart helped him achieve getting away with ruining your sister and nieces life. Your life too and the entire family. If I ruin anything with the truth that’s not on me. You still struggle to try to make it right. Making me to be the whore that made your world hell is only believable to the insane. Do you believe I’m the only child in history who deserved what I got, or is it normal to you now? You normalize sexual assault. You go as far to say I wanted it and knew how to protect myself. Being assaulted since I was born should’ve taught me better? You watched me not make it happen. If I flirted or acted like I wanted attention, you shut me down. You told me I didn’t have to, the boys will come to me. Don’t look when they whistle, you said. I never did look. I didn’t have to flirt. The pigs flocked in. I didn’t have a childhood to live and destroy myself. It ended before it ever started and completely at 15. I didn’t get the chance to enjoy picking up boys for fun. I was trash, normal boys wouldn’t want me, and no boys mom would want me in their home. It was gut wrenching accepting what a piece of shit the family and the rest of the planet thinks I am. I’ve accepted and know I’m not in your league. I remember where I came from. I never wanted to be better than you at anything or have more than you. I always wished I was as pretty as you, that’s it.

You had motive and gain I think. All you wanted was a baby. You played the victim. You knew what you were doing. Math was your only challenge. You were very smart to be able to control and manipulate everyone. You were made that way. Dad thinks he’s as wise and taught you well, he wanted you to be that way. He wanted you to feel the win even if your brothers heart is in his throat and soul is ripped out feeling the hate. You were taught to be mean from the start. Your brother and sister were trash. It’s recorded on the old recordings. Defending you and calling AK an asshole. He lost any positive attention when you were born. Now knowing dad never thought he was his, it makes sense. You were his first born and that asshole can fuck himself. You learned that. You were praised for punching out the boy who was picking on AK. AK would’ve been beaten if he had tried to defend himself. Dad wouldn’t let him or I beat up company. We got beat if it was an accident. That inflated your ego. You made that boy cry and they laughed. Cheered you for years. You resorted to violence in elementary school, in class, we didn’t and get sent home. We didn’t have the same childhood as you, you were special. You came home from kindergarten and grabbed your baby bottle of milk from the fridge and laid on the couch to drink it. There’s photos. I think I remember you doing it. Nap after your tough day in kindergarten. I was off the bottle for over a year or 2 already. Mom never stopped washing that bottle for you. You were allowed to be a baby and a little girl. You got dolls until you were 12 and didn’t want more. I then never got another. You all said I was too old, I wanted more. I got that ugly orange bike the year after, you 13 and AK had gifts under the tree and I had none. It was too cold to ride, I hated that bike. He probably got a smashing deal. You left it out for dad to run over. Thanks. I wasn’t any more ready to meet the M boys at 3-4 years old than you were nursing your bottle still. In fact less than you since I wasn’t entitled and given the skills to knock out my brother and any other child who annoys me, like you were. You’ve always made me feel I was as mature as you, even at 4 and 7, you think it’s the same. Those boys were 2-3 times my body weight at @ 35lbs at most. For all I know it never happened to you, you were stronger and had a lot to say. Maybe you were curious and will never say. Maybe you liked it and will never say. That’s why to you little girls are guilty, responsible, and ready for sex. I can’t imagine I was curious yet. I remember begging for someone to color with me when the boys came over. The youngest actually did to make me feel better. I never got old enough to be curious enough to smoke before a cigarette was placed in my hand. Quit smoking the first time in grade1. It’s fucking pathetic. I still feel total shame and disgust with that time in my life. You appear to blame it all on being a victim and being a dumb kid. You’ve somehow made me feel I was as accountable, aware and mature as you were and all is equal and just, it’s just what kids do. I wasn’t allowed to cross the road alone yet. I just figured out how to tie my shoes. You were twice my age, maybe still had a bottle waiting in the fridge but they were your age and older. Girls mature faster, do they not? I had nothing in common with them and should’ve been left at home or taken to better places. You had lots of friends, we didn’t have to go there. You took other girls there too. Why? Did the boys ask you to, was it free will, you liked it? I would like to know. I didn’t make your plans. If I followed it was to be with you, like a toddler does. What preschooler is held accountable and told I knew as much and processed it as well as you, 3 years older. It’s just a fucked way you made me carry your bad decisions with you.

A good man would never blame a child for his behavior. Even if I had of hit on him it was so wrong, he knew I was damaged goods. That’s why he did it. I feel guilty because I took my clothes off. After that everyone thinks I asked for it. You want to think I asked for it and you told me to take me clothes off. I wish nudity could be healthy and innocent but that’s a lie you 2 told me. You two worked on me, i didn’t just immediately agree. I didn’t like my body or want to show it. I didn’t enjoy seeing either of yours.

When I was babysitting MK that summer when you had chicken pox I hung out at TBs, he hit on me. I was mowing the lawn and cleaning there when he wasn’t home for cash, it was a broke rough summer. TB and I didn’t have a personable relationship. I wasn’t ever open to be buddies. I wasn’t into cocaine, it made me barf. I was past dabbling by then. I did it more with you than anyone else. That wasn’t often. What did you tell JL???? I was busy fucking him again? If so you continued to abuse me. I want to know! I want you to tell me in my face so I can have my right to express how I feel. If your my victim, all your relationships are a lie. Based on your crazy bullshit. You were probably still fucking him. If you liked sex all your childhood, there was something wrong. I’ve never met a child like that then or since. That’s the only reason I can see why you think all girls are horny. I never wanted your old man ever. I didn’t leave TD in his care. She never had sleep overs, she knew what he was. He asked for her company to keep MK entertained a couple times maybe and I went along, to bedrock city and the fair. He didn’t want to ride the rides with her. I didn’t want to leave them alone. Dad took her there after swimming. Mom figured she should be allowed to go to Disneyland too, but I would have never let that happen. She wasn’t a baby, she didn’t know him until after you were married. I didn’t want her to know him. I saw you when he wasn’t there, never had 1 Christmas meal together with mom and dad. You and TD made plans and I got the day you didn’t want. I got food bank turkeys, mom said “good for you!” Like it’s a good thing not having family or money. MK said he touched TD, you’ve said as much too. You both say he touched her and in the same breathe claim his innocence? It was just TD so it must be ok. TD said she saw dad touching MK. You don’t believe it. What was I suppose to do, nobody believed me. You did and do nothing to protect girls and women who have the same blood as you running in their veins. You truly don’t like women. You need to look into yourself, if all women were like you nobody would like them. That’s why your daughter tells you her daddy sexually assaulted her, or something like it, but she can’t tell you and he’s still the better parent. You call her a liar, everyone’s a liar about him, you never accepted and honored any of it. You stand behind him, behind that selfish female hating child still in you. You do know any age was an attraction to TB, blood or not. They prefer preschool children because they don’t talk to the public. Then it’s risky until the age of puberty, when they may be starting to think about sex and hormones. Or unless they have been groomed well. It’s so easy to treat a child with respect to earn trust when your a rebellious teen. When your new to your developing body, have multiple insecurities, and come from corrupt home, your a target again. Some girls are assaulted into adult years starting from birth. Have their daddies babies with their husband. It happened in rosedale as well. Another family you introduced me to. You seemed so jealous like he was yours. You tried everything to destroy us and me. Threatened to turn me into welfare, because my new boyfriend should have to cover my rent. We were friends, you were giving me your best advice and help keeping me honest. It was to make my life as hard as you could, I deserved no break. You collected welfare and stayed at TB’s later on, after the accusations and you were done with R, kept your apartment. I know it was security but I didn’t deserve that! Your niece and I were suppose to rely on this idiot. You were the law. Strange times. You told him the whore I was. You were attracted and felt comfortable and normal with that kind? I think he may have been obsessed with you as well. Was there a mentally healthy person in your life ever after you left high school during your years with TB? No.

TB told me he picked the wrong sister. Can you imagine if I was that sick in the head to get together with him after what he did to me, after you? How did he want to look to the public? Like a banjo playing inbred. I don’t think there’s a lower level than him. You defend that. I told him “he didn’t have a choice, I was never into him, that’s gross! Seriously, I never consider him for a fling never mind a partner. I was 15, I didn’t want sex, kids or a husband.”I don’t believe he really thought we had a relationship in the apartment because it wasn’t, but he was hoping that’s what I thought it was? He knew better. Is that how he presented it to those who asked, him and I had a fling??! We never conspired, we never had a sexual relationship. It was just a twisted educational sexual experience, he decided I needed. I was clueless and wouldn’t have a healthy sex life without his guidance, he had told me. I was clueless. I didn’t know about circumcision. I didn’t know what a clitoris was until after I had a child. He didn’t teach me things like that and I wasn’t asking. I think since he needed me on his side, by his side, to go to court for touching MK, he was desperate. As if I would’ve helped him! So disgusting! How was that going to help? Show the court I still wanted him so he didn’t appear to assault me as a child. Like you did when you stayed. I wasn’t there fucking him, you wanted to think that for your protection as well. Prove I’m still a whore to JL. You wanted JL to think I’m a devious little cunt. Your kids too as well as anyone else who would listen. Totally evil. You played into his every sick game. He had no boundaries when it came to vaginas. Didn’t he cheat on you with some old broad or fling in the beginning as well? I remember something. Probably still boning RB, screwed his buddies wife and gave him his first born. His relationship with his sons mother would be interesting. She was probably 12 and sleeping with his uncle. Maybe looked like him but was his uncles. Then he married his cousin and then you. There’s nothing to support that he had a healthy relationship with family, women or any children.

He apologized for apparently thinking I was an option and for his actions. He treated me with fake respect after, he almost acted like a normal person. He was always showing off like he could impress me or intrigue me or something before that. Acted like a goofy stringed puppet. He stopped the act. He just wanted to remain in good standing with me so I didn’t air my dirty laundry. I know he had no use for me and didn’t care in the least.

He told me, about the accusations, he called him daddy R, your man at the time, painted MK with a paint brush. Poor R, what a horrible situation for him to be mixed up with you 2. He loved you since you were 13. Then an accused pedo. Is that how TB got off, R got thrown under the bus? The guys probably still with his mom after that. TB showed me some court papers of the accusations. Also some mention of TB caught touching KB during a diaper change. He was covering his bases working on me to believe him, to not step up and say something about who he is. It would’ve been an appropriate time to protect your daughter, expose the truth and come to terms with reality for you. He wanted me to hear it from him first, makes him look not guilty to be eager to expose himself. I didn’t believe him but hoped he was telling the truth. I expected you to ask me to help. I would’ve helped. You couldn’t, because you didn’t want to come clean with JL and the world. He would’ve been great support and come to terms about himself quicker. He must see all this by now? He will. He’s been through so much, poor guy jumped in where he left off. With a woman who stands by and blames a child and doesn’t protect the child. You felt like home. I understand that. I’m disturbed by that.

Recently you told me TB’s responsible for making MK know she’s beautiful. A trigger when your praising his parenting skills to me, like it proof your choice to have his child has paid off. What am I suppose to say, praise him? You made her feel beautiful, if anyone did. You kept her clean and dressed. You made a point of only putting her in children’s clothing, nothing that looked sexual/mature. Hmmm. Please mum. I think your daughter was bashing you. I think it’s bullshit, she’s being hurtful. He wasn’t capable of making a female feel beautiful, not in a healthy way. Why is it, a few years ago, she was so gender confused because she was suppose to grow up into a boy? I’m confused. If he really wanted her to be a boy he failed horribly. I’d felt horrible and awkward to develop in front of him to a beautiful young lady.

She’s confused, she always will be because of him. I spent 7 months under the same roof with that creep. My brain was rewired in that time. He took over my decisions, opinions, and told me what I thought. To start he treated me like an adult, like I was smart, with respect, like I’ve never felt before. He became my best friend. Nobody was on my side like that before. He had a way to make you feel comfortable with it at first until it’s exhausting to hold on to both objectives. I lost how to think properly, maybe hormones and bad nutrition played a part. Why didn’t I leave? I was a runaway, scared and had a little Stockholm syndrome I think. TB wanted a hidden child in the confines of his home to fuck with, who hides a girl and does what he did. I was there 6 days, assaulted and knocked up. He saved me from what??? TB made it feel my decision to hide was a choice I had to keep, to protect him from my bad choice, which he strongly suggested was the correct one. He didn’t touch me for a few weeks after that. He worked on my head. How long was I suppose to hide for? Was there a plan? He shouldn’t have encouraged me to leave the foster home, he made it feel right. I hid in the closet when the cops searched the apartment for me. They had been there before and removed me and the pot plant, they arrested TB. Who does this at @ 40 yrs old? I was safe there in care. Best home I lived in. Not happy but who was happy there? I had to try find myself but I never knew who I was to start with, once I was alone. I can’t imagine what he has done to your head and even worse MK’s.

I’m not wanting a battle. This is my opinion, which I have a right to. Everyone who has heard your side should hear mine. I remember and wished I didn’t. You don’t want to remember and that works for you. I’m not wearing the mask, I’m not claiming I don’t remember, I haven’t spread any lies. I haven’t even spread the truth. I haven’t been attention seeking, or pulling people into my pity party, I’ve been there for my friends. I have no history of lying, cheating or stealing. Of course some petty shit that didn’t have serious repercussions. It was never in my character or lifestyle. I don’t want the attention this will receive. I don’t live a lie, I wouldn’t make this all up for attention, I won’t get any, it just makes people go away. I can’t live like you 2 can making up a fabricated life. There’s no room for any more bullshit. What’s my story suppose to be? I wasn’t a bad sister or mom, I have the worst sister and daughter. They’re the worst people I’ve ever met in my life. I can slightly understand an abusers sense of pleasure and control they get. Sex is a strange obsession. Both of your pleasures and need to control is mentally twisted. I don’t know any other girls who have lived my experience, that are held responsible for luring a molester. Somehow it’s easy to accept in my family. How can you all be wrong right? That’s why your only acquaintances were TB’s puppets and pedophile friends for years. They validated you. You chose to be with my abusers. Sickest thing is they were your abusers too. Our dad validated you, you walked proud having them at your side looking down at me. You always say “it could be worse” to make me feel better about everything. What’s worse? Being stoned to death? Thinking of worse case scenarios for everything isn’t healing and making it all ok. It’s just your way to shut me up. I hope you teach your kids better coping skills, if not you should stop wondering why they don’t discuss everything. “She really hates you” isn’t soothing words a heartbroken mom wants or needs to hear either. I don’t think she ever loved me, like you, and I didn’t do anything to her or you that should cause hate. If the truth causes hate that’s on you. It won’t hurt me. What do I have to loose.

TB kept dad and you in his life to make our family look completely retarded and to keep himself safe. Dad told me 20+ times he chose to keep TB in his life so he didn’t loose you. It’s like a knife in the back and one in the front. He wanted to kill him for being with you. He must take joy with the pain in my eyes he sees rubbing that in along with how much of a bitch TD is. If that’s not playing us apart and sideways I don’t know what is. He’s the most pathetic piece of shit for a dad. He puts his weak mind, his guilt, and TB’s game all on you.

I have no memory of playing like a normal child with you. You were a leader. It was all about what you wanted to do, you’ve met kids like that since. They don’t have many friends. My real friends would want to know what I’d like to play. I never got naked with my friends, like I did with you. I wanted to think it’s safe with you, wanted to trust somebody, you must have shown compassion at some point, I was convinced to take my clothes off in a hay loft at 4 years old to get assault by 3 boys. I know it was their idea. You were old enough to know what sex was, you saw animals and the M’s told us in detail, I remember. It hurt and I remember. I cried, feeling unable to spread my leg to get down the ladder of the hay loft. You all cheered me on. I didn’t play that game again. LS next, making me play with her boobs, in her barn, what was that game called. Soon after mine started to happen, you hated it, I hated them and kept them covered with my arms, remember? You and your flat friends enjoyed hitting them. Never felt good being looked at. They were bad. I got sexually assaulted at the school by a neighbor boy and DR, I was wearing your bra. I had to bury it in the field, it was destroyed. You would’ve snapped and beat me if you had of saw it. I never meant to wreck your clothes, I was scared of you. It didn’t matter what my excuse was. It was better to say I didn’t know where it went. Then JL (I think), his buddy, you and I go into the bedroom at a house party. They expected to be fucking 2 sisters at the same time on that bed?! You knew what was happening. They probably said they had a foursome. I was fucking clueless, i didn’t know we went in there to get laid, I had to fight him off by myself. Until I ruined your moment. You expected me to just let it happen? You thought that’s what a girl should do? I got to learn from you, you set the example for me. I was suppose to lay down for whoever you introduced me to. You weren’t happy I didn’t want it. Then I got assaulted by JL when I peed my pants passed out drunk. Next at a party at JH’s, I was with JH, you set me up with him. Remember him humping your legs at the river party. BA and CL tell me to take JH to a bedroom to show him how to fuck. I felt so dirty, withdrew into my shell. 12 years old and you told rosedale I liked to fuck?? Knew what I was doing? I didn’t get taught how to do anything but lay there. I wasn’t mature enough, I had no interest to, wasn’t that brave, and didn’t have the vocabulary to instruct and take advantage of a virgin male. Wtf, who told them that but you and DI? No wonder the town thought we were whores.

Fucking disgusting. Later with DI and DS, you both talked DS and my clothes off, behind the school. To get DS laid? His huge member? He was scared too. Why me, GROSS? I was 12 and him 20? You get me to skip out with you and take me to a hotel room to meet an older guy who later sells pills to mom. He was creepy. AB insisting he should be able to fuck me too, since TB got some, in front of you and TB. I’m too pregnant to fight. You both arguing who should have to stop it. That was violent and painful. Not a fuck given. GB trying to fuck me, telling me my pussy will be too tight without his help to deliver a baby. He fucking harassed the shit out of you too. He said he would fuck any female if he’s alone long enough. You made me go there with you two, wouldn’t leave me alone at the apartment? I had to go pick mushrooms and I didn’t want to. Felt like I was going to puke from morning sickness and I got no sympathy. In fact you made sure I suffered. You didn’t hold back an evil word. You would be nice for a moment just for a chance to crush me. I walked on eggshells. I guess so I didn’t run away, you made me go and do that stuff. I was never alone. That DG came over and wouldn’t leave, if I was alone, that was set up. So you assisted in keeping me hostage and hiding my belly. (Nothing going on here, just normal sister shit…unfucking believable!) You both made sure I was destroyed mentally and scared for my life before you packed up and left me in an empty apartment. Try being pregnant, weak, loosing weight on your diet in the beginning because I was getting fat, 12 pound gain at full term, mentally drained, 16, and threatened, you have no idea. But you have said “it could’ve been worse.” You could’ve cut it out with a car key or something? I know, you don’t have to tell me you held back, and it could’ve been worse. I get it now.

I still can’t wrap my head around your involvement. Besides my daughter, I sincerely loved, admired, trusted and believed in you more than I have or will anyone ever again. I loved you more than any other family member. I still have you in a special place in my heart, you were suppose to be that person in my life, my best friend. Your probably barfing in your mouth a bit on that thought, I was never your friend, just an object. Later you tell me 2 days before your wedding day that you neglected to tell me about, you don’t have a dress, so I go dress shopping with you. That’s how I find out your getting married?! Obviously you knew I wouldn’t be happy, it was fucked up, you felt the need to hide it says a lot. We spoke and saw each other every day TB was at work. You were 21? totally aware of your actions. TB didn’t want to marry and have kids, he was partying with people half his age, it was like a frat house. Partied like a rock star, both of you. He had his families already. So gross how coked up he was visiting his baby girl the first time. He didn’t hold her, just laughed at “it.” I fucking hate that! That old coke sweat naked body up against that newborn skin daily as she grows. Yuck! How she heard his coke fueled heartbeat and felt his grinding jaws and sketchy twitchy paranoia. Both of yours.

Thankfully you kept me away from the coke and you when you were living the dream with your drug dealer. You 2 were the best of friends. I expect if he didn’t have erection issues from all the coke he would’ve fathered your baby. He would’ve been a better dad, as disgusting as that is. Now a B.C. missing person. He lived there and spent 1000’s of hours selling you coke and doing coke with you 2. You were too greedy to share, you never protected me from anything else. TB would’ve fed it all to me to make me look like a whore if it was his choice. Him and I didn’t associate then or ever in my mind. I was associated with you and your daughter. He wasn’t a part of my circle, I didn’t include him in my personal life. It was a trigger every time I looked at him. You were so kind into your pregnancy. I was there for you for 50 hours and washed your bottom for you. I held your baby for over an hour waiting for you to meet her and rocked her in the nursery. Showed her off, I loved your little person. I cooked meals for days when you got home to help you. You had more maturity, help and support than I did. Try it at 16, alone in that apartment, living through a nightmare. Unbelievable how desperate I was for you. To even speak to you again. You’ve never loved anyone like I loved you, you’ll never understand. I still love you. It’s unconditional but you don’t deserve it. You can kill me tomorrow and I’ll still love you.

As a kid I went months without a bath or combing my hair. You complained I stank, you didn’t tell me to shower. Although you were there watching me step out of the shower to point out my first pubic hair. Dad liked the greasy look. You just avoided me and pushed me away. Nobody cared. The neighborhood pushed me away and said bad things about me. A teacher making me wear shorts under my dress to cover my stained panties, or no panties in gym. That’s why I had to wear pants. They told mom and dad. Maybe I had no clean panties. You and AK were washed until you took over and knew when to shower. They just assumed since I could count like you I’m good to go. Mom went away in her pills and psychiatric treatments. They never told me to bath. All my teeth were rotten. I couldn’t eat. Didn’t speak right. I didn’t care until I got my period. Mrs D washed me up, brushed out my knots and showed me to care.

If you don’t remember lots of this it’s because it sucks. Its convenient to forget. It’s what happened. I don’t have to make this shit up. You can’t make my life up to suit you and make me believe it. You’ve talked to me like our childhood was equally hard, there wasn’t much equal, you didn’t have a big sister to kick you to the curb. I shouldn’t have to keep my mouth shut forever to protect you?? Why in the real world does that make sense. You expect that, I’m still your victim until you let me be heard and you speak the truth. I didn’t have a punching bag, and a little sister to drag along to get assaulted. Teach to smoke, toke, drink and fuck. You have said I wanted it all and it’s my fault. You don’t accept the blame for yourself acting this way, it’s everyone else’s fault. But you insist I knew better, I think I did in my stomach but I trusted your instincts and intelligence. I wanted to be cool like you and for you to like me. You never convinced me I was to blame for TB, like your the lord almighty casting the truth to program me to succumb to you. You always acted like your superior, and like I’m trash. Told me how much more beautiful you are, all L’s are. You trashed my ego since I was born.You were spoiled and didn’t like loosing, just like AK. You wished me to fail and be the looser you portrayed. You always wanted attention in a higher power than what would be achieved with the truth. There always was enough wrong in your life to gain honest attention, for TD too. So much alike.

I probably potty trained myself to get everyone’s hands off me and run away from home. Toddlers don’t just run away. Who was dads buddy claiming we were his children, sending our pics to his family and friends back home. The family stuffing they’re daughter head first into a deep garbage can for punishment. The girl unable to walk, dragging herself, her leg raw in that filthy home. Dad jealous about his buddy putting his hand up all the little girls clothes who would sit in his lap in front of dad. Everyone drunk all the time. Getting spanked by other dads. There was nobody safe and average around. I just wanted to hide, I spent time in the closet, or in the toy box, I would go to sleep. I can sleep in the dentist chair while I wait, on a rough plane, or getting an MRI. If I’m overwhelmed and anxious I can just shut down. It’s good practice now but not a healthy reaction when learnt as a child. I would pretend I was sleeping when I woke up to being touched. I was scared to react. That I would be in trouble. That nobody would defend me. Who should be defending me is touching me. I would fall asleep on the couch and wake up totally nude in bed in the morning on a dirty mattress, no fitted sheet.

Before you knew where the baby came from you were assisting to get rid of it. You all talked me into going to Blackcomb so I would get hurt. I didn’t want to go, I was weak and felt sick. We got to the top of the 9 mile run and they abandoned me for the entire day. I wasn’t able to ski, I was too pregnant. I walked all the way down, crying, all day, beyond sore. Fucking sick fuckers. I know I was suppose to fall and miscarry. You helped talk me into going. How ungrateful I was being for not wanting to go. How lucky to have the opportunity. TB offering me long Johns to put under tight pants. Couldn’t bend, nauseous and my hips felt loose and weak, ready to go. I couldn’t walk on flat ground to the mall and back without being in sever pain. It wasn’t an easy pregnancy.

Big one. Also before you knew where the baby came from. GB and TB take me to a vet to get an abortion. A vet! He had to argue with them, he wasn’t going to do it. How many other girls were brought there? It had been done before, probably one of the daughters, MK can find out if she asked. He’s probably dead but it still could be publicized so the victims feel validated. Probably a catholic. He touched me, examined me to see if he could! I again was clueless. Thought it was a dr. I didn’t know drs, they never took us. You told me it was a vet with a big grin when we got back. So sick. I get to remember your face. Your like Karla Homolka, my body and life at your disposal. Mom and dad at your disposal. You and TB talked about burning down mom and dads home with them inside. Who does that? Maybe AK had enough reason, he felt hated.You asked for lots of your beatings, you wanted drama. Dad let you go to a level that he had to shut you down, we would all be watching in amazement. You knew you could’ve stopped, he gave you a chance. He never did with AK and I, we got hit before we seen it coming. You were and are special. Good thing TB had the sense to not follow through. What a dramatic twist that could’ve been.

It was affordable to go to the states for an abortion, GB could’ve paid the $800. I called and looked into it. They knew that would set off alarms sending a damaged child to abort a child from sexual abuse. You wanted that baby out of me and gone because you wanted a baby. TB wanted it gone to hide his guilt. GB was helping kill unborn babies to hide guilt since the beginning of time. I was in the worst hands.

The only person I wanted dead was TB and I think that’s almost normal after all considered. Didn’t try to make someone do it for me! If I had a $1000 for every time someones wished me dead I’d be rich. I know you and TD expect me to kill myself, who wouldn’t to get away from you both. It would solve your problems. Free to live your lies. My life and love is nothing to you. I never expected TB to cherish that so he’s much easier to forgive. It’s way past time to deal with it, it’s never too late. The grandkids need to know so they can catch this, keep the pedos and liars honest. Their moms have this. You talk of all MK’s lies. The lies are volatile, they will be revealed. The truth will be online for them to see. May as well get on with it. Who are they going to trust in the end? No one. You 2 are too weak to bare your lies? You both think I’m strong enough to carry it like a saint? No gain for me, just heart wrenching pain. Who the fuck are you people?

Who knows what else went on that I’m not aware of, but you know and will never tell. How many times did I assault you, treat you like a whore, or take you somewhere bad? I didn’t end up in situations like those any time but with you. My friends and I were careless and never found scum like I met through you. I was a child and just wanted to drink and smoke. I wasn’t into nudity and sex. I was scared and uncomfortable with sex. It hurt and made me feel dirty. Then you say I’m some kind of genius mastermind nympho who’s responsible for wanting a baby and your old man. to harm you, because all you see is a little boy when you look at him. You said that once, barf. You saw me as a little girl for real and never felt a thing for me. You hated me since I was born obviously. It may not appear that way if you want to twist shit up but I was loyal to you, lied for you, loved and admired you, I never wanted to hurt you, you enjoy seeing me in pain. How you were capable to love and protected TB above your daughter as well is beyond anyone’s comprehension. You really hate females. I don’t even though I grew up with you, so what’s your problem?

When I was sick in the hospital dad said he begged you to come see me. He said you refused because Im angry with you. I didn’t understand, I was past any point of wanting to battle. I made peace with everyone in my heart, I was good to go. I only cared about TD’s life without a mom after I die. He thought I was dying. He cried every day beside me, blaming himself. He said it was his fault. My butt blew up? I don’t know what his guilt was all about but it wasn’t our normal dad who stood beside me. He was so good to me, and it felt honest and without a price for the first and only time. He is capable of being a good person. The day he turned on you when I quit talking to you both was him without dementia. For just a moment he could see clearly and chose to stand by me. It’s the only time and you were completely insulted. Think how it’s been for me. He’s never been right in the head standing behind TB and your relationship even without me in the picture. I would’ve gone to jail for breaking his ugly face if my 17 year old daughter brought him home, I know he was your apparent boss or coworker on that visit. I got to suck it up for almost 40 years now. Dads never stopped telling me what a mistake it was for you to leave TB. He’s right in a way, you should’ve had to stay, I made my bed you made yours. I didn’t think to walk away from my choice and responsibilities. I think he might have finally forgot all the things he rubbed in my face for all those years.

You wanted DI and I to be close, you let us chat on the phone. And then wanted us to see each other naked. I liked him a lot as a friend. I think he forced himself on me because he wanted to hurt you, you just left him for TB. You just fucked him again and left town. I said no, no, no, no , no, trying to fight to get out from under him and it was all over. I couldn’t get out, he was angry. Didn’t really feel it. BA and CV were in the room and didn’t try to help. So gross, we all get the same std.

You think since your childhood was fucked up that your not responsible. At what point did your childhood end and you become responsible? You had 3 years on me, you were always more mature and knew more, you weren’t retarded. Somehow you think and say I knew better because you know so. How would you know if you didn’t know nothing. You say I was smart and wanted this all to happen to me/us. That doesn’t make sense. You’ve held me accountable for everything. It’s fucked up how your this innocent dumb child but you knew wrong from right where I was concerned. You wouldn’t have kept the M boys a secret if you didn’t know better. You and AK hushed me up when I’d say things that would expose things, I was unaware they were bad.

You wanted babies since you hung out with C&L. You assume I wanted one too. I never got to the age of wanting a baby of my own before I was pregnant. I said out loud “I’ll never have kids” while I babysat. They scared me, frustrated me, I wasn’t comfortable with them. I’m still nervous. I didn’t want her until @ 8 week before birth. I tried not to want her but I felt love and a bond. It’s normal instinct I guess even when it’s rape. Childbirth was terrifying at my age, you say it was easy for me. You never asked how I really felt. You would’ve enjoyed to hear it and thought I deserved every bit. Like all the challenges I’ve had are deserved in your mind. You wanted me to feel the pain of giving up my child to please you and show my respect and honor to you. Not because it was best for me and the baby. All I had left in the world was that baby. I needed support to be strong and feel loved. If I had one family members love and care I would’ve made a heart breaking decision to give her away. You say you couldn’t go back home, that’s bullshit. You’ve never been unwelcome in your dads home. You made it final. You never wanted to return. I was kicked off the property with 2 police officers trying to return me, pregnant. You two picked me up in the middle of the night from the receiving home. You should’ve buried me then, no one was looking for me after or cared. Where was I to go after giving the baby away, I wasn’t wanted at home or in foster care. Now I have nothing. You can be pleased. We’re all responsible for the way she turned out. I was suppose to disappear and never return, at 16. Why didn’t you 2 leave town, how fucking arrogant and shameless. No shame at all, so weird to me.

You saw and she knows I did the best I knew how. She sees who didn’t want her to have anything. I know I failed her because I didn’t make everything right. She wanted a perfect family. She doesn’t know how much worse it was to be your daughter. Just because she was born in wedlock doesn’t make her existence any more purer. She came from the same sack of shit in the worst case of disfunction. Lying for him isn’t making anything right with god, your children or anyone but saving yourself to have to be accountable for anything. What are your biggest mistakes/faults? That you take full responsibility for. I’ve never heard any specifics. All I hear is how harmed you’ve been and how you can’t get past it.

You beat me more often than you got beat. Plus I got it from dad and AK. You all decided to stop smacking my head after I kept fainting from the blows, after the bike accident!! Mom would tell you to take me outside to beat me. She didn’t want to hear it in the house. I would throw myself to the floor because that was your first move before you kicked, punched and smacked me. I coward into the corner so you could beat my head and hands with a wooden spoon the minute mom and dad left the driveway. Remember? You wanted me to eat dog shit. You would drag me across the road in front of traffic, on my knees. Push me down a hill to teach me to ride a bike. You were my teacher. How smart could I’ve been?

The reason I appeared smart is because my lips aren’t flapping all the time. I listen. Would’ve been smarter without all the shots you gave to my head. You had the hardest slap in the family. Wicked snap. I lived scared of all of you. You challenged dad all the time. You weren’t scared. You were his golden child, he doesn’t remember you being a bad kid ever. Your forgiven because you stood by him and TB, I think. Your forgiven because you never called them out. He always forgave you, he let you off early when you were grounded, you could sweet talk anything out if him. You had him wrapped. Your life wasn’t as horrible as you tell it. Dad loves you above any other child. That was there before AK and I did anything wrong. You didn’t earn it. You talked so much, he knew if he touch you wrong that you would tell. You were the rat. Your file of complaints at social services was thick as a Vancouver phone book. You didn’t leave anything out. Also he didn’t understand a word I said so he never got my side of the story, I couldn’t be the rat. He believed you even if I tried to communicate the truth. He only knew me through you, what you told him. You took advantage of that. You owned my voice. You wanted him to think I was as guilty as you sneaking out after midnight so you could get laid. It took the pressure off you, you still will see me loose for your gain and think you deserve it. I was 11, how old is Z? She’s probably smarter than both of us and isn’t mentally ready to be out with you getting laid. Somehow you still want to think I was beyond genius wisdom and strength. I was quiet, awkward, never corrected your lies, intimidated, and your follower. You finally wanted my friendship, I thought, at 11.

When dad was in the hospital you finally started to see again that dad did abuse me. Or cousins stories helped I think. Did you believe me when I was in court or just wanted to see dad go down? OR did you actually think I asked for it, like little girls do, and he’s the innocent one like you and TB? this is what you want your grandkids to hear about you one day? I want them to know what mental issues are in our family. I want this to end with us. Me being a whore child isn’t the facts. It’s a disgusting twisted tale of how sick the family is. I see why TD made up a new fucked up life. How the fuck can she explain you all? How can she tell this? The corrupt family sided with TB and you, and the religious ones never spoke to me again. It would be easier for her to throw me under the bus and accept all of you and your deceit and disgusting lies. Then she would be accused of aiding abusers. Your all a part of her problems more than me, I was honest with her. You all made her a huge mistake. Intentions completed. Your excuse is I shouldn’t have kept her. It’s the ultimate mistake. Your right, you happy now?! Who had the brains? Nothing Ive done shows any sign of intelligence.

AK was hooking us out to his sleep over buddies. If you weren’t such a liar I might believe you forget so much. You have no recall of so much, you say, but you magically remember RM assaulting you, you made a comment when you saw him on my FB. I remember a little, lots of it missing. I know they chose you more often than me. You never felt for me, maybe jealousy. At least some of them didn’t want a girl 6-7 years younger than them. Maybe that’s why you saw fit to own and offer me to whoever, so you were more popular? You know why but weren’t accountable then or now. You choose what you want to remember. When something hurt me I never wanted anyone else to have to feel that. I learned from it, not go and make others suffer too. I never considered hooking anyone out, like you two. Humanity is what it’s called. Not much of that in our genes. AK tried multiple times to force his dirty fingers and penis in me when I was 5-6 yrs old, it was painful and I’d scream so he would stop. 6 yrs older than me. The price you pay being his baby mute sister. He was teaching me jujitsu and acting like a good brother for once. That’s why I wanted to play with him but it didn’t stay happy. He threatened me and we were never close again. I was scared of him. You would’ve told on him. You enjoyed ratting on him. Why you didn’t tell on his friends is beyond me. Mom defended us when little RG touched us. She told me she did. That was a part of the big fall out. Dad probably touched his sister. She probably expected him to defend her boy. He probably did. Poor mom. Dad always talked about his mom’s beautiful naked body having no stretch marks??? Everyone is a sexual object to him. He sexualized you every time he mentioned your little freckle. I feel sick thinking about it, I can’t imagine how painful it was for you. He should have never mentioned it, never mind with that sick smile. I’m sorry he did this to you. I never thought nothing of a freckle, big deal, I got freckles everywhere too, all I heard was him talking about your vagina. He probably pointed this out in his child porn distribution to the friends and relatives. Moms aunt F told him to stop sending the nude shots. Such a pig. TB took naked Polaroid pics of me to share with GB and all the rosedale pedos. Later dad got to enjoy them with GB as well. Dad mentioned to me in a fight, to defend himself while being a shitty grandpa, it’s the last time him and I battled. I told him to fuck off. If he had of been a real dad I would’ve never been in any child porn pics.

I think TD was damaged way before she was born. You told mom that the baby would never be normal because of who the dad is. I should give the baby away. You knew more then than you do now. The stress I went through while pregnant caused irreversible damage to the baby without a psychopath added to her genes. She has a legit reason to change her name and country. She’s directing all her pain at me because the rest of you never gave a fuck about her. She never deserved a supportive family, she came from dirt, me. There’s nobody else to punish. I’m a total embarrassment. Your all a fucking embarrassment for her. She was completely failed, she was here first. She didn’t come along after you planned your future with this pedophile molester. You heard what he did to KB when you met her. What do you want TD to do? Lie for you? She never had family to support her, how can she even ask for help. None of you really know her, I don’t. She’s got a lot to deal with, all of this is still so fucked up.

Remember TD slamming your front glass door on my head? Her laugh? You actually defended me, thank you. She did mean things for a laugh whenever she could. It never stopped. You saw how I cared for her. I was consistent, caring, firm and fair. I was attentive, I always knew where she was and rarely had a sitter. I was always looking after another child as well. She was taught to share and play nice. I adored her. She thrived. I know I’m not perfect and I was much too dumb to have a child. She didn’t know that. I think she may have been this way had she been raised by any one. The damage was done before birth. From what I’ve read one big traumatic event can cause a problem during pregnancy. What about multiple events? What events took place during your pregnancy, moms pregnancies? “Who you are and what your like when your pregnant will effect who the baby is.” I was a nobody. I was broken, scared and lost. Pretty much sums up who she is.

I don’t want an apology from anyone. I want solutions and not excuses. It’s meaningless without you doing anything about it. It’s beyond that. Everyone can make peace with the truth or not. Makes no difference to me. Anyone with a conscience wouldn’t live to create a fake life. I didn’t create this mess, I just let you and TD take advantage of my weaknesses and manipulate me for your gain. I enabled the both of you while you both crucified me. It’s up to you to fix what you’ve done, both of you, it’s not my circus. If not you both die a lonely old fucker like dad and learn the pain you caused when you meet your maker.

You’ve said you were a bad sister and apologized. For teaching me to smoke and maybe for the M boys. You do know. I’m hoping that your apology is for so much more unmentioned. You say ignorant triggers most times we talk and I know your not sorry. Your still working on me, and still telling yourself , I got what I wanted. I can accept I had sexual involvement with children even if they were twice my age and I was manipulated. I will never accept old men with children no matter what you say. I wanted TB as much as I wanted my brother, dad or you. As much as I want dad now. That’s how sexually turned on I was to TD. I felt nothing for him, get that through your head! Your wrong and as evil as him to believe it.

When I got hurt when we were small you made me hide it if you could. When I put the scooter handle through my cheek you tried so hard to stop me from getting help. I couldn’t hide all the blood and the sore. I wonder if it was to stop me from getting attention. I hide the broken collar bone with your advice. And the 3 day hangover.I needed help. Was it jealousy or I was to take it for the team so you didn’t loose any privileges. I’m not sure. Either way, fuck you. I wasn’t allowed to ask for help by you. I was always expected to abide by your rules. Where did that ever get me. Keep my pain and injuries a secret to save you, served you well as you got older. So much power and manipulation for a young girl. If you were ill or broken you would’ve been getting special treatment. I don’t remember special treatment other than getting a head xray after the bike accident. Without DG going to get mom, who knows what would’ve happened. Probably stuff me down by the slough and check on me later if you remember.

TB didn’t have a good relationship with any of his children. He fucked them all up and they all hated him. You believed children just go away for no reason, and become strippers, he wasn’t going to help support an education or tell them their better than that, he encouraged it, he didn’t do anything wrong. You told me so. Kids just go away. Only if they hate you or are living a bizarre lie. Healthy families don’t do that, the average screwed up families don’t separate.

You axed the door down when RB locked you out. How terrifying that would’ve been for her. Later your partying with her in Vancouver years later. Leaving MK to get violated by a stranger. She had to sleep sitting up after, remember? You throwing knives at T, so violent, she had no weapon and was pregnant, that was horrifying for me, I can’t imagine what that did to TD and little MB. Who draws butcher knives in front of children? I had to come back in for the hamster, TD was hyperventilating saying you were going to kill it. You were flushing your bag down the toilet you just bummed money off dad for. Did someone call the cops? I forgot new clothes and her favorite blanket you bought her. You never returned it. That was a hard loss for her, she cried for days and was attached to that blanket. TD told everyone “my auntie throws knives” she would just blurt it out. It’s was awful, I asked her not to but she still did. She saw a knife stuck in the door frame. I had them out of the kitchen when the glass flew. What did you think would happen. You would stab her and call the cops? Say she was threatening you with her voice so you had to protect yourself. She has a big mouth, you knew who you were dealing with, you had no right to tell us not to see each other. That was just weird and scary. We had to stop seeing you. I was scared for my life. Especially after you went and got licensed to buy a gun to keep us off your yard. You told dad, I was stealing shit and in your yard. You must have been coked out of your head. I was too scared to go down your street. I would’ve been eliminated if I had ever gone for child support. You were the reason I didn’t. You lived like a queen and couldn’t throw some crumbs for your niece. Let him be a dead beat. You controlled the money. You would’ve killed one or both of us if I would’ve tried for support, I seriously believe it. We were to suffer at the hands of my bad decision to keep her. You said so. I didn’t want him in her life so didn’t want support but he still should’ve had to help after impregnating a child. As my sister and her aunt you would’ve thought she deserved more than swimming lessons for her birthday once or twice and a couple size 4 outfits, a few panties, an Easter basket and 1 birthday cake in her lifetime. While you ate lobster, did Scarface amounts of coke, and drove a new caddy. Used me like a nanny. Left her to me to get her on a bottle. I was broke always. Had what we needed and no more. It was sad. Seeing the delicious foods you could afford, living your lifestyle, while I lived clipping coupons. It was my fault. I had no skills and made a bad decision. Nobody helped, I was on my own. TB and you borrowed and paid back thousands with dad. I got help with car insurance i paid back in 96 & 97. I got $100 for food twice and paid it right back. I never got anything extra. If TD did it’s because they lived with her. Did you ever get a highchair for Xmas? That was my life. It was easier to not ask for help or try to stand up for myself. I was broken. Shittiest family ever. Everyone I know got more unneeded help and had way more than us.

MK wouldn’t have secrets to keep until your death bed if she was only abused as a toddler. She seen you blame me. She fears or knows you’ll blame her. Call her a liar. Your excuse for allowing him to stay in her life after she had been abused was she was safe now that she’s not a baby any more. You keep saying he’s only into babies, after that it’s the girls fault. Your only lying to yourself and MK is scared like me to confront you. Your scary and you know it. Its your way or no way. It’s denial. You never look bad, at any cost to others. That’s the way it was always with us. Now you say to me MK is doing her thing again, out chasing men. I didn’t know it was a trend. Although dad said something like that last time she was single. He said degrading things about her, it hurt me, I’m guessing that how you and dad spoke of me when I was dating. Your not a whore if you can’t find the right one, when you came from a war zone. You shouldn’t have told dad anything. She’s got older friends/men, you added, like that would be a bad thing. You make her sound dirty. Like your ashamed or she should be. You want her to settle, to not find her happiness? If she finds a healthy minded gentleman, then what. She needs someone less messed up than herself. Someone as smart as her. With a bonded family that loves her and who she loves and believes in. She deserves that. Shes old enough to be with a man any age, with no judgment from you. Maybe your not judging or feel shame. Maybe your scared of having to pick up the pieces if she fails. At least you can. You should be happy for her that she can see she’s not getting what she needs, you don’t know the whole story. He sounds like a dead beat already to say that he will have nothing to do with his boys. He’s dead inside to be able to say that. I’m surprised if he doesn’t fight for them for the child tax credit and go for support. He could lay back and play video games. Is that suppose to stop her? Que Sera Sera.

I think I know ways he played her. He most likely did similar things with you. He plays games, innocently played for pennies until the bets turn into more. You had to be a solid person and never change your mind on a bad bet. He forced her, changed the bet. Didn’t matter if you cry and defend your word. He told her everything he did was for her good. He told her it wasn’t sexual, like he had no sexual enjoyment at all in it, and it was to teach her, it was all about her, so she learns how good it should feel if it’s done right. They shared body massages, he enjoyed every minute of it while telling her it’s therapeutic. Its not a sexual act with him, nothing is, its all about her wanting and need to learn correctly. He may have fucked her and she was convinced he felt no sexual enjoyment. It was for her to learn what was good for her. He really knows best she believed. Who wants to tell mommy that? You can’t wrap your head around that she wasn’t to blame. That would ruin the story, he’s only into babies, this is more twisted than Im aware. Reminds me of TD. Not a fuck given. If I knew the full facts and truth of it all I’d probably have a heart attack. I don’t know how you guys get by.

Everything I say is true, the way I remember. I don’t lie, how many lies and cover ups have you done for me? You never had my back, you would’ve made me look like a looser. You never kept a secret. Told dad when I got a bra, when I got my period so I’d feel disgusting. You told mom when I was with DR. “Don’t worry he’s still shooting blanks” you said you told her. Who talks to their mom like that at 14-15. Sex was normal conversation? With a mom raised strict catholic and to be a nun. There was no hope for her to help me. That should’ve been stopped immediately. You told them everything. Made me look like a whore. Made it easy for dad to think I was bait. The thought of a sexually active child turns them on. You told everyone. Didn’t you want your life to be your business? I didn’t deserve that. I kept and still keep a million of your secrets and lies. I never lied about life to TD. She challenged me with everything, simple life things needed proof from a professor. There was no fooling her if I wanted. She lived to prove me wrong. Hated how right I was and rubbed in in hard when I was wrong. Just trivial stuff, it was entertaining, I thought. I didn’t mind if she could teach me better. I know how I thought and felt, you don’t and can’t assume I was who you wanted to make me out to be. A dirty whore who knew better than you. I’ve never been a whore, I’ve never spread my legs for financial or material gain. We’re adults now. I’m not into the bullshit. I’ll tell people who I was an am, thank you. You can tell them who you are and were, the truth. Or just keep your mouth shut. I’ve kept my mouth shut for far too long. Im not taking it to the grave like you and TD were expecting. You can both eliminate my name out of your fake existence and carry on. Deal with what happened to you. I didn’t intentionally harm either of you. It was my job to protect my child, not you. It wasn’t your job to protect me but I’ve seen sisters and brothers naturally take a protective role in good and bad families. It’s not all about how your raised, it’s who you are and want to be. They never needed to help play us apart. You never had good intentions. You can’t imagine being someone who did, you think everyone was like you. I used to think everyone cared like I do too. It was very obvious to me I was wrong. I’m sure you see most children are not like you were by now. You didn’t play well with others and you had no interest in outdoor activities. You acted like a little lady in your dresses, hanging out with very religious Dutch girls. You were obsessed with wanting a baby, mom wanted to rent you one to get you past it. Do you think that controlled who you were and became? The need for a baby was a critical, desperate, obsessed desire. You probably wanted and tried to get pregnant from the time you were 13. What for? No wonder you were so angry I was pregnant, jealous. You were happy when I agreed to give it away. You wanted me to give the baby to some people you knew. You were very out of sorts when I told you I didn’t want to give her away, changed my mind. Was there money involved? It was all about you. My life wasn’t going the way you planned. You were entitled to have a baby first. Stomping your feet and screaming didn’t fix it. Had you been fighting for the proper purpose besides your selfish self and shown a little support you would’ve been able to convince me. You made the wrong decision easier with your cruelty and demands. How do you expect a screwed up child to act, obediently? Strong and smart? Where was I to find such strengths. In the Cracker jacks? I was so immature and broken. Dumb. But you didn’t and don’t care to see that. You choose to think I was out to get you, I was living your dream. So disturbing. I’d like you to get impregnated by a predator and see how it feels when others are jealous. Then raise that child around all your abusers who ostracize and remind you of how you are the dirt and the disgrace for 39 years. You’ve never been allowed to defend yourself, or speak the truth, it’s a secret. That’s where I’m at.

This should’ve ended before it started. You were with this guy for not a year before he assaulted your sister. You try to convince me to ditch my baby because you want to save your relationship and get married, have kids, and spend your life with that piece of shit. I’m the fucking enemy because I make you look like a piece of shit. The normal people in the world knows the truth without me saying. They know you were a fucked up child defending a disgusting older man. The people you and him lie to and fucked with are as fucked up as you. Nobody in their right mind thinks a 15 year old has consensual sex with old men. I would’ve been too immature for you if you had of been a lesbian at that time. Think about it, I wasn’t mature enough to date guys your age. I had no interest to, I liked boys, without all that gross body hair. Shaving twice a day, so gross, I still find facial hair creepy. Oldest guy I had been with before was 16. Your age never wanted to date me, just fuck me.

TB was about 35 years older than JL. Your kids are aware of your age and questioning your interest in JL at the age you were. Never mind the age gap with you and TB. Your maturity level after being with a man and experience in life wasn’t suitable for a boy his age and background. You would’ve snapped if YOUR son met someone exactly like you and TB at that age. Watching her little girl come back dirty, abused, and acting out of the ordinary from an ugly old man. He looked 20 years older than your mother in law. Always looked way older than your dad. Can’t you see why his mom has acted like she has. She watched that drunk old molesting crack head, older than her, picking up his kid. Laughing at her son. There’s no way she could be able to love you and your daughter in a healthy open minded way. Accept your old way of life, and she has no idea about your drug addiction, and how can she accept your daughters life easily and openly for her son. She tried to defend him finally and it was too late. She knows how she failed him previously. She just can’t face and understand how such evil exists, she lived a screwed up childhood, and doesn’t want to accept her role in it. She feels like a victim as well. She didn’t see the signs, we didn’t see the signs. Poor lady. Karma slapped her hard.

S and D, at 5 and 2 yrs old, watching Cinderella porn with us. Wtf. S wanted to watch it again! I was too young for porn, what were you all thinking? I knew it was wrong. MK was in control of the tv at 4 yrs old at TB’s. I freaked seeing her watching porn, TB was fine with it, he wanted her to. She still thinks he’s god, you too, because if you don’t there’s something less than human about you, and you’ll never want to admit who you are. “he taught her so much.” What is she using from his teachings that has made her life better? She doesn’t act like someone he would like. She may be brilliant and I owe it all to her. That she survived. The drinking and driving alone was atrocious, not one day sober with that child. She must have saw and smelled beer gut, coke, cigarettes and pot all her time with him. He’s was deaf, she saw everything. I know you didn’t hide snorting in from of her when she was with us going to PG, turned into a 12 hr drive, a couple 8 balls later. We drank all her baby apple juice, ran out of gas pushing a caddy down the road at 1am. No diapers and you 2 sleep in till noon. You 2 fought viciously all day. I’m not sure when you drew the line. Who’s capable of being a cautious aware good parent doing that shit. You can’t pretend to your children that you didn’t do drugs, you had an addiction. It’s a small world, there’s no secrets. Getting a shipment flown up on a private plane from Columbia or wherever isn’t dabbling in drugs. Snorting up that injury settlement. Don’t make MK look like a liar when she’s telling the truth to protect yourself!! It’s totally fucking with her. She may as well make shit up, nobody believes her and you don’t want them to. Its damaging your children’s relationship and it’s going to lead to him not trusting you. It’s already done I think, you didn’t come clean. It’s in the past, it’s not who you are now. It’s not right. Has she been shown what an honest healthy relationship looks like? Does your family really know you? They think your entire family victimized you, your daughter is a liar and her daddy may have just touch her because she was still a baby, and you might have just done drugs a couple times? Maybe less drugs would’ve led to better decisions? You know what drove you to live like that. Sexual abuse doesn’t go away. I’m not going to normalize it because you say it happens in every family. That’s the words of an abuser, denying it is protecting them and you. It’s protecting you, if you can make MK and me to believe you, that we asked for it, we would be magically healed in your head. You wanted that little girl so bad, what happened. It’s because she’s his. In your sub conscience, she’s not made from the same pride and love as the second. As a child she had TB pretending to be her bestie scumming you out for not treating her like an adult with the respect and honor she needs and deserves to live his fantasy. In a gross way it was better than being with you, she felt like number 1 when she was with him. When someone fake loves you that much as a young person, you feel a deeper regret to not trust what they say and do, it was her dad. It was way better being with him than you when he wasn’t messing with her. She wasn’t protected by anybody. She’s got a lot to work through and she’s alone with it. It’s not her fault if the grandkids and she struggles with life and relationships. The children feel and live her feelings of rejection, desperate search for some faith, and inability to trust. She doesn’t project this on them but they know her better than she does. They feel the stuff she’s bravely ignoring. She’s had to be so strong and she started out so hyper sensitive. She couldn’t breath if she got a little booboo. Now she’s too strong. It’s an act but she’s good at it. She doesn’t have a choice. She will pick through it all eventually and when she’s mentally ready to rumble, look out. You haven’t seen nothing yet.

You need help to deal with why you stayed and married and lied for your abuser. MK needs to know. She needs to come to terms with who he is. Who you are. She knows I’d think but can’t get past it without you facing the truth. She’s had to hide so much for you and him, to have peace with you, and to feel some normalcy. She has admitted he did things to her, it’s not a secret. She knows the family wants to fuck her at his funeral. The truth should make her feel better, to know we know they’re scum. Shes above including anyone with sexual misconduct with children and family members in her life. Also everyone who supports them. What a shitty life. She will always attract and feel a comfort meeting more pedos and molesters along the way, the familiar “I feel like I’ve known you forever” fogs your head to trust more creeps into your life. No wonder she doesn’t care who she hurts with her words. I want to make sure everyone has the information to do what they choose with it, before I die. I’m trying not to leave anything out or forget something of importance. There’s so much more that went on. I will fill in the voids with other letters to the family.

I want any response to this to be in writing. I don’t want to be exposed to your abuse alone and want everyone to see what we are to each other. Im done with your ignorance and bullying. I’m not lying or hiding anything, if I am, put it out there. I want to know what harm I caused you and the lies I tell. I want to know how my punishments match my crime by the both of you. I’ve got nothing I want to hide. You both need to rewrite your story, I don’t care what you do with it. I am not who either of you say I am. You wrote my first 15 years to fit you, she wrote the next 18 years. All fabricated BS. Your kindness to me has always been an evil act. It’s got to be criminally insane to act this way. No care for my safety, mental health, my love, and existence and take away my entitlement to exist in reality. Dr Phil needs to hear this. If you can’t see that, or can but don’t give a fuck, just leave me alone. I will work on myself, focus on real people, and carry on as usual. I’m good with that. This chapter is ending with no bullshit left unturned.

I’m exposing myself and the truth. You’ve never wanted me speak about it, like it’s not mine. I don’t even feel like “mine” was ever in my vocabulary. I lived in your hand me downs and your fabrication of my life. You always had better than me. If you would’ve asked for a dirt bike it would’ve been new. You were suppose to get a car if you got good grades. Your gifts were always greater than mine. I wasn’t suppose to get a gift if you didn’t qualify, that would’ve be fair in your opinion. You acted out of sorts and I felt the burn. I paid for that bike. I got good grades even though dad smashed his mug on my back and kicked the shit out of me before he got to you. You pissed him off. Then followed up with the gun loading thing. I brushed that shit off. A friend saw my cuts and bruise on my back and cried when I told her what happened. In grade 7 PE. I didn’t want to climb out that window and run to your creepy boyfriends, KW. I was going to let him shoot me. He always said he had the right to take us out. You all taught me to lay down and take it.

I’m not sure any more what your role with dad really is. You’ve been telling me for years that I don’t need to talk to him. Like it for my protection and you don’t mind because your blunt. You also say you tell him we don’t talk. So I appear to have abandoned the family too? I hope there’s no motives there but great plan if that’s what’s intended.

If our daughters had been boys, raised in the same environment you provided, I wouldn’t trust them around children. They would’ve been shunned if they didn’t like sex with kids. In our family it’s just a sexual preference you’ve normalized, because little girls like sex and know how to stop old men if they don’t want it. It’s not ok to be gay but fucking with kids is cool. I didn’t think you all could feel shame.

---